The Ingredients of a Successful Family System

Families vary from person to person, country to country, and even parent to child. Every family situation is different. Because of this, psychologists and researchers have been debating what the best way to explain the family system is for years. But, there is one theory of family that really intrigues me. It’s known as the Family Systems Theory. In a nutshell, it is where each member of the family plays a crucial role in the support and function of the whole unit. My best analogy of this compares the family to a cheesecake. (I probably created this analogy because I love cheesecake...) One person is the crust, another the eggs, cream cheese, vanilla, etc. Without any one of these parts, the cheesecake won’t taste as good. It may still appear to look like a cheesecake, but without the vanilla, for example, it won’t be as tasty as it could be.

Sometimes, to create more stability in a family, we have to add subgroups or combinations of “flavors.” For example, let’s say I noticed that in my plain cheesecake, the filling was getting kind of runny. Acting as the lemon zest, I would step in and add a little more lemon to help the filling thicken, thus making our family cheesecake better. With this bond between the lemon and cream cheese, or one family member to another, we actually focus our strengths and can make the family better.

Subgroups are a way that a family can compensate for one part of their system not functioning correctly or at its best. Even if there is compensation that needs to happen, a family can still be just as strong as when all the ingredients were acting together. Many times in families today, an elder child may step in and form a subgroup with the mother to accomplish the tasks a mother and father would usually accomplish together. Other common examples are when a grandparent steps in to help discipline the children alongside the parent, or if a brother and sister work together to strengthen the mother. All of these things can either make the family stronger. But, the ultimate family subgroup should be the parents. They together will always accomplish more than they could alone.

One way parents accomplish this task successfully is by setting boundaries and rules in the family. Again, each family will have different rules and codes of conduct, and if you’ve ever been to a friend’s house, you know things work differently in every family. But, I’m sure every family has their no-nos and their positive, approved behaviors. Behaviors are always reinforced, either positively or negatively. If a child learns that hitting makes people laugh, that can be seen as a positive reinforcement, and they will continue to do that behavior until they get a different reaction. On the other hand, the first time I sassed my mom in front my dad, I got a nice long while in the corner to “think about what I’d done…” It didn’t take long for me to never do that again!

Rules and roles, even though they are no fun sometimes, help regulate the family cheesecake. If we just decided to bake our cheesecake without a pan, it would go everywhere. It would have no structure, and honestly it wouldn’t be that appealing. That’s the same as if we ran our family without any rules, and didn’t hold people accountable. It wouldn’t be nearly as successful as someone who puts in the time and effort to stay within the pan and help their family! Families can be complex, but if we break down their parts and understand more fully each individual’s purpose inside of it, it will help us see how wonderful family life can be! Each person has a place and is important in making that delicious slice of cheesecake.