The Steps of Divorce

 I want to have a little disclaimer on this blog post. I don’t have very much experience with how divorce occurs, or what its long-lasting effects are. But, I have learned some of the ways to decrease the negative impacts a divorce will inevitability have. So, instead of talking about how to blend a new family or to create positive outcomes from divorce, I’ll be going a little deeper into how we can strengthen marriage by understanding the steps and process of divorce, so that we can be more prepared to strengthen marriage and heal a hurting family. I know there are situations were divorce is necessary, such as cases of abuse or infidelity. I know there are also times where remarriage is appropriate, in cases of divorce, death, or other extenuating circumstances. So, I’m trying to be as sensitive as possible because this is a fragile topic, and I want to help in any small way I can to help others understand divorce and the family.

So, with that being said, let’s get down to the nitty gritty. The decision to divorce is not one that happens all at once, or because of one thing. There are actually a few steps that are typically taken when a coupe decides to get divorced. The first stage is called the Recognition stage. Here, partners realize something is wrong between them. It is an inward recognition that each person has that makes them have doubts or questions concerning their relationship. During this stage, both partners don’t disclose these feelings to the other, but they find it in themselves and feel a need to address it.

The second stage occurs when the partners turn to each other and address their problems. This is called the Discussion stage. This stage can go a million different ways, but usually ends with the couple talking to a counselor, each other, or both. This stage is critical. It is where the couple decides what the consequences will be and how a separation or retention of the marriage will affect their family or relationships. This leads into the third stage- Action. How the couple decides to change the initial problem greatly affects the outcome. The fourth stage follows close behind, called Post-dissolution. Depending on the decision the couple makes regarding their marriage, this stage could include legal divorce. During this time, both members of the couple become independent people again and can accept the marriage ending. They both rationally understand the reason why they ended the marriage and can typically accept it better than if these steps were rushed.

In the above steps, there is a significant increase of positive outcomes if the couple go through them together and are purposeful about their outcomes. In any divorce situation, the couple and their family will be deeply changed at their core. But, when there is a bigger emphasis put on the overall outcome of the family, divorce will go better. Children are able to “bounce back” easier from a divorce that is thought out and controlled in an appropriate manner by the adults. Divorce isn’t what any family wants at the beginning of a marriage, new couples want their marriage to last a lifetime and to be an enriching experience. But sometimes it doesn’t end up that way. And when the outcomes aren’t what you expected, you can still control the feelings surrounding it. As a family, we have a responsibility to promote the best marriages possible, and we are completely in control of at least how we act (and not react) in that situation.

So, if either you or someone you love is going through a divorce, don’t give up. And don’t rush the choice, it’s one that is so important to slowly ponder and give a lot of weight. Family should be your biggest focus, and I think when a divorce is focused on doing the most good for the family, it will be better than if a divorce was rushed or jumped into with no thought of its affects. Divorce will always be a hard thing, but with the focus on the family, it will go smoother.