Effective Communication in the Family

Ask anyone who knows me well, and they will tell you I don’t do confrontation. Even when I was little, I tried to be the peacemaker in the family. Conflict really makes me uncomfortable in any situation. If there are problems, I have my own way of talking about them and solving them. I don’t like abrasive or hostile confrontation or bringing things up at inappropriate times. It is in my nature to wait for the perfect, quiet moment, when I can be calm and discuss what my feelings are. In family life, that can be super important to know. If my friend wanted to express some concern about something I’d done, and they went about it in a very direct and aggressive manner, nothing would be resolved. Everyone has ways they deal with conflict and how they best resolve them. The first step to good communication and resolution in the family is by being sensitive to how others communicate.

Last week, I talked about how we think about a problem becomes how we view a problem. I think the same thing applies to communication inside the family. If there is a problem that you sense in your family, you will think everyone is aware of it. An experience I had with a roommate illustrates this. She talked to me one night about how she was feeling unsure about her boyfriend because of xyz. Then, the next day, they were eating lunch together and lovey-dovey as ever. I was super confused and didn’t really know if they had talked or if she just let it go. When I talked to her again, she expressed to me that everything was back to normal and she felt fine. Well. I don’t think I’ll ever understand that situation (or girls for that matter), but I do know that we had a miscommunication. I thought there was a serious problem, and she only needed to vent for a second to feel better.

This kind of thing happens all the time in a family. When you have miscommunications, people become more and more distrusting of you and think you will fight every time an important issue is presented. People may even form “pre-emptive strikes” on their loved ones. They may think, “Oh, my wife has gotten after me before about leaving my hair in the sink when I’m done shaving. I forgot again, and now she’s ticked off. I better put on my angry pants and be ready to fight..” And just like that, before the wife has even had a chance to speak, the husband has made an argument against her in his mind and is ready to defend himself. This kind of thinking also happens when people say “We have had this conversation about having kids a thousand times. I already know how it’s going to end, so why even try to explain my point of view?” You can see that effective communication is an essential part to how we are able to solve problems, right? So how do we implement it into our families?

The first step is gaining the respect and trust of your family. If you don’t value someone as a person, why would you value their opinion? My second observation is to give others the opportunity to express their concern in a kind and calm way. I like to think of counseling with our families as being in kindergarten again. If I don’t have the “Talking Stick,” it is not my turn to speak or interrupt. Today it can be easy to fall into thinking that the parents are the ones who call all the shots, but I think each member is important and deserves to be valued and listened to. One of the coolest things was being able to kneel down and pray with my family every night. I loved the closeness it allowed my to have with my family. One time, though, I was at a friends house and something new happened. After the prayer, everyone stayed on their knees and complemented each other and asked about any problems the family was having. It was a really humbling experience to see them genuinely address their problems with love.

That is the biggest key in effective communication within your family. Loving your family doesn’t mean that you just brush over the bad and take all the good. It means that you take the bad and make it good. There can still be reproving and correction given in the family, and there should be! But, when it is done in the spirit of love, and not contention, that’s how you can effectively resolve the problems and allow even more love to grow between you.